it's really odd

and really A W E S O M E.

I was feeling like rubbish all today. I have just been very overwhelmed by many plans for everything. I have been so so stressed and I am really very awful at dealing with stressful things, it just makes me want to sleep all the time (more than usual- and not because of the joy of sleep but because of the stressfulness of life)

I feel awful to watch my grandma suffer. I don't like the way people talk to her, I don't like how time is going backwards and she is being treated like a child again. When I talk to her about her past, her eyes light up and her mind is so much more active and I feel happy and connected to her again. But when she is stressed, she repeats words and is very forgetful.
Today she tried walking more. I did some exercises with her - just stretching and breathing. I gave her a legs and swollen feet a massage, just feeling like this is one of the only ways I can bring her a bit of comfort. I guess I feel helpless in a way. I am accepting of her ageing, but it still is upsetting.

After moving out of my apartment, I still have to deal with things that I shouldn't have to deal with like payment on time and also things that are understandable like telling my new roomie how all the things in my room work. It'll be interesting to live away from Jing for just a short while. I know the time will FLY but I've lived with jing for almost 3 years now (which is so so crazy) Now that I look back at it all, I've had it pretty good with her (even with the shower noises and fish on the floor)

I have had a lovely lovely friend from Canberra come up to Melbourne spontaneously and insisted to hang out with me. I have very very very little time to see any of my friends recently because family is my priority right now. I feel like I have a habit of putting other people before me. Even though I want to see everyone, I have seriously grown some white hairs trying to please people over the years. I realise now that I have been putting way too much pressure on myself to hang out with every single person that wants to see me/who I also want to see. I have really appreciated those who have made the effort to come and see me in the 1 or 2 hours I have had free during the week. I managed to see Viv for lunch and it was really good but way too short. I do miss this girl lots she is great and her face is so huggable. I am thankful sim just decided to live at my house and help me pack and make stop motions even though she did eat through all my pears and my yogurt and made me OD on mini twix bars.

I'm still planning small things about the exchange and it hasn't hit my body that I'm actually going overseas yet (not sure if that is good or bad) I already feel like I have done too much research on Estonia and I still want to have no expectations of it and just let it all be NEW like New York was (ahh I miss you New York - and you too Jennyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyymywifffeeeeeee ... is sarah our daughter? i am so proud she is so smart and cool and arty and charitable)

Anyway, I am slowly losing my mind but I feel like hopefully this is the "down" coming to a slightly up part of the curvy life wave.

Going back to the start of this blog blob blog entry - I am so surprised at how happy I get when I have positive comments on my stop motion work. I feel so good in my soul and it makes me want to do more. The past few days I have been feeling ill from not feeling motivated to draw or paint, but once I started editing my stop motions I felt so much better. Is this a secret cure for me? MAYBE. I hope this enthusiasm I have found for stop motion sicks like the clay sticks to my hands (for a long time and only scalding hot soapy water can get it off) because I am loving it so far.